Mr. Gardener writes to Dr. Phil

[happy_never_after]

Started this little ditty a while back and finished it today. Hope you like it!

 

Dear Dr. Phil: 

I am filled with guilt and shame over what I've done. He trusts me. His name is Mr. Frodo Baggins, and I am his gardener. Over the years, I've grown overly fond of him. I can't eat. I am no longer too big for my breeches. My Gaffer told me to pull them up since they was saggin' and most unhobbit like. 

You must help me. All I think of night and day is him-- his skin of dewy rose petals and eyes like morning glory sky. I think his lips must taste of sweet honeysuckle nectar. Is that possible?

I can speak to no one about my longing. I am driven to watch. I spy at him from behind the shed, around the mulberry bush, and threw his bedchamber window. I follow him. Once I followed him over the river and through the woods. I became lost. I heard laughter. Mr. Frodo ran into me and asked me if I'd followed him. I lied and said I was picking raspberries. He look on at me suspicious like since I didn't have a pail.

Over the last weeks, I've been secretly taking little items that Mr. Frodo's touched and put them in my little hand-carved heart-shaped box I keep under my bed. . I'm beginning to think he suspects me of pilfering. Yesterday he asked me where the slips of soap had gone, accusin' like. 

What should I do?

Yours Truly,

A Frustrated Gardener

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Dear Mr. Gardener:

I think you need to face facts. Your interest in your master is most unnatural. 

I notice in your letter, you neglected to say that you felt you loved this Mister Frodo. I feel that you are indicating that you think you may be in love-- which is not the case. This is a blatant case of obsession. 

This obsessive behavior has interfered with your personal and professional life. It is unhealthy. Unchecked, I see hardship and pain for you ahead.

I insist you seek counseling ASAP. 

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil

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Dear Dr. Phil:

I done what you asked and am getting help for my problem. Widow Gravespeak has been seein' me thrice weekly now for going on four months. The reason I'm writing is that what she'd been doing don't seem to be helping none.

Only last evening,  Mr. Frodo asked me to warm his bath water, I was gripped with such unnatural yearnings that I ran fitfully like from the Smial straight home without finishing my chores. That weren't like me at all. To make matters worse, I went straight to my room and preformed a most unnatural act. I find I've been doing this act more and more. Most times I go to the tool shed on Mr. Frodo's property for privacy, and I must say that after, I do feel much better.

My question for you Dr. Phil is how long does this counseling process take? I'm asking because the last few days Mr. Frodo has been asking some questions of a personal nature.

Please answer soon, as I am beside myself as to what to do.

Yours Truly,

Frustrated Gardener

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Dear Mr. Gardener,

I know you are impatient with the progress, but I must insist that you continue with the counseling. Know that it is not uncommon to be in counseling for years before one sees progress. What is important is that you recognize your problem and have sought help.

As for these unnatural yearnings you wrote about: I assume you were referring to masturbation, which is perfectly healthy to participate in. What is unhealthy is your obsession. 

Please continue your sessions with Widow Gravespeak.

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil

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Dear Dr. Phil,

Thank you for your prompt answer. I will continue with my sessions as you suggested with Widow Gravespeak. Also thank you in regard to clearing up my misinformation on that thing you call 'masturbation.' Since learning this is healthy, I've found how useful a coping tool it can be. That, tempered with my counseling, may release me from this unnatural obsession I have for my master.

Yours Truly,

Mr. Gardener 

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Dear Dr. Phil,

You must help me. Over the last years, I'd come to accept my being alone, but recently I've come to notice a young hobbit in my employment, a gardener, who seems to have caught my fancy. Understand, I am not some perverted old codger who preys on the innocent. Though younger than I, this hobbit is past the age of consent. Of late, I have come to suspect he may have more than a passing interest in me.

Over the years I have noticed that when ever I came in close proximity to said gardener, he acquired an appealing flushed demeanor. Lately, I have narrowed the distance between us, oft times with little touches of the hand or brushes of the skin-- The result was he flusters and races off from me, returning some time later.

I decided to ask him pointed questions, such as why he spent so much time in the shed. 

Two days ago, I followed him after he raced off. Imagine my surprise as I watched covertly through the tool shed door my handsome young gardener stimulating himself to a robust climax, calling my name. 

Yesterday, I spied him taking a letter to the post addressed to you. I must guiltily admit, that I took said letter from his box and read it. I mailed it promptly after. I dare say said letter most likely reached you just before this one. 

I must say I am in complete agreement that my gardener remain in treatment. However, may I suggest that Mr. Gardener no longer seek counseling from Widow Gravespeak and promptly begin his sessions with me.

Sincerely,

Lonely Bachelor no longer

Frodo Baggins

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Dear Mr. Baggins,

I have spoken with the Widow myself. She has personally informed Mr. Gardener that her sessions are now discontinued and gave him the address of his new counselor. She said he was most enthused.

Please instruct Mr. Gardener with tender care.

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil