Love is Blind 6-10

[happy_never_after]

Chapter 6

The Sister watched the three with curiosity. Señor Del Mar held tight to his friend's forearm, climbing out of the cab of the old truck at the veterinarian's home. The yellow dog squirmed and huddled, trying to first escape then seek Señor Jack's sure grip. Señor Twist struggled with arms full of dog, and Señor Del Mar eased them both along. Although at first Señor Jack didn't take too kindly to being helped, the dog so needed his comfort that he swallowed his complaints. Señor Del Mar kept his hand steady on the blind man's elbow as they walked in front of Sister Sarita.

Quiet and subtle, Señor Del Mar guided them. The old concrete sidewalk that lead to door was cracked and patched. The Sister was pleased at how naturally Señor Del Mar lead them over and around the lumps and bumps. She smiled to herself thinking they looked much like dance partners with Señor Jack trusting Señor Del Mar's lead. This trust would been necessary if Señor Jack was to ever make a life beyond the four walls in that dirt floor shack he left behind.

The Sister stepped in front of the trio at the old villa's door and rang the bell. Rustic cubical adobe walls with a flat roof and had both the Indian Pueblo and Spanish influence. The home had been in the vet's family since the mid-1800s when it was built. Dr. Benito Reymundo was someone who the Sister knew well from her years as one of the Sisters of Mercy. A kindly old gentleman, Dr. Reymundo claimed to be semi-retired, the only sign of which was having his front door locked to his clinic. This was a pretense only, since all anyone need do was to ring the old doorbell, and the doctor would appear after the chimes with white smock and stethoscope ready to see the next furry patient. The Sister knew the doctor would never truly retire--for a man like Dr. Reymundo never hung up his smock.  His practice kept him 80-years-young. Since the passing of his wife, Anita, and with his only daughter, Isobel, far away in France, Dr. Reymundo welcomed the distraction. 

Over the many years Sister Sarita watched the doctor heal haggard strays and the pets of the poor. Most owners could not pay the doctor-- what little they made working, was needed for survival. Instead the doctor was fed many a meal--hot corn bread, Tamales with refried beans and rice. Then there were live chickens and eggs he also received for payment. Sister Sarita wondered who would take his place after he was gone. Few would barter as Dr. Reymundo in this time of paper and plastic.

This Sister Sarita counted on-- for it was more than the doctor's knowledge of animal husbandry that brought her to his door on this day. 

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"Good day Sister. I see you have a sad dog."

"Very sad," the Sister nodded.

"Why does she cry so?" The doctor smiled slow and easy, as his skilled hands read the dog's quivers and shakes.

"Hit her with with my truck. Nothin' seems broke, but weren't sure. Might be hurt inside," Ennis said, taking off his hat, showin' proper respect. Inside a man's home after all-- an elder gentleman, too. Small frame, fine bones. Salt and pepper hair, but plenty there. Eyebrows a bit wild, with a nose that looked like it been broke more 'n once. Arms had muscle on them though. 

Ennis looked up. All those years workin' side by side with animals, he recognized a like mind. He had a slow easy way about him. Took his time. Studied Ennis. Then studied Jack too--recognition lightin' in his face. The doc eyes darted to Sister Sarita, whose head nodded as he raised his bushy brow. A small dance, so subtle, but small steps Ennis didn't miss. 

"I'll take a look then," but the doctor reached out to shake Ennis' hand first. "My name is Benito Remundo."  

"Ennis Del Mar," he said, gripping the doctor's calloused hand, "and this here is Jack Twist."

The doc's eyes rested on Jack and the dog. 

"She's hurtin'," Jack said, as low whine came from the dog. 

"Over here, set her on the table. About twelve steps to your right."  

Ennis tried hard to let Jack walk by himself into the room and he counted the steps off. Ennis ended up easin' his arm to Jack's waist as they stepped up to the examination table. Jack didn't flick him away. Leaned into his hand instead. Ennis let it rest there, light and peaceful like.

"Let me look at you girl," the doctor reached out. Jack reluctantly eased the yellow dog over to the doctor, and Ennis let his hand drop. The dog watched Jack's face--her dark brown eyes sensing kindness as they flicked from Jack to the doctor. The doc stepped in front of her, pinchin' her jaws, firm but gentle, to get a look at her teeth.

"I'll check her back first," the doctor said. Ennis remembered readin' somewhere that Golden labs were prone to havin' bad backs 'n hips.  Her muscles tensed then relaxed under Dr. Remundo's hand. She yelped as he tapped her side. Hoped the dog didn't have ta git put down. Worried him 'bout Jack and that dog. Like Jack felt some kinda connection. Jack didn't need no more heart ache.

The doc listened to her stomach and chest with his stethoscope, movin' it around. Ennis watched the doctor's mouth work as felt around, like his hand and his mouth were connected with string. 

"Hold her steady for me. That's it. Hurts doesn't it girl? Lucky you're young. Back is fine. Sore here at her ribs," the doctor massaged the spot. "Older dog might have broken a rib. These young bones give a bit. How fast were you going when you hit her?"

"Road was bad," Ennis said, thrustin' his hands in his pockets. "Wasn't going over 20, an' I slowed down soon as I rounded that corner, almost stopped before I hit her."

"I think she's going to be a lucky dog. I would like to watch her over night to see if there is any internal bleeding, although I don't think she's seriously hurt."

"How much is this gonna cost?" Ennis asked. "Don't have much money and bein' a stray, don't know what we're gonna do with her."

"I think we can work out the payment. You two worked with animals before--pretty evident from the way you both handle yourselves. And you both look pretty strong. Think we can make an arrangement," the doc said, smilin' at how Jack was scratchin' under the dog's chin. "Mister Twist, the lady seems to be attached to you. You intend on keeping her?" 

"Can't take care a her,"  Jack whispered. "In no shape to take care of no dog."

The doc turned to Jack. "Because you're blind?" he asked.

"Well, yeah, 'course 'cause I'm blind," Jack spat out.

Ennis covered his mouth. Damn, this wasn't goin' well. 

"Seems to me the dog would be helping you, not you helping her," the doc said, as much to Ennis as to Jack.

"What? Shit! You a vet or some kind of head doctor?" Jack asked.

"Señor Twist!" the Sister blushed, "Hush your mouth."

Jack brushed off Ennis' hand as he went to put it on Jack's shoulder.

"That's fine Sister," the doctor said. "I understand, and I know you well enough--you've been waiting for me to say something to Mister Twist, or at least waiting for Mister Twist to say something first. You see Jack-- may I call you Jack? --the Sister knows something you don't. My daughter Isobel, she was born blind."

Ennis rubbed the brim of his hat with his thumb. 

"I'm mighty sorry," Ennis said.

"No need to be sorry. I'm not," the doc said to Ennis. "She's a wonderful woman. Independent. Educated. Lives in France teaching blind children."

Jack stood silent. 

"You haven't been like this long," the doctor said, rubbin' the dog's nose. "Must be hard." 

"Ah, Hell," Jack whined, "why'd ya go and bring me here? Was this some kinda set up ta git me help?"

"I can assure you, Jack, that this was unplanned. Sister Sarita, is always bringing me strays. Thinks I run some kind of shelter for lost souls." 

"The Lord works in mysterious ways," the Sister added.

"Pardon me Sister but I've had enough of yer religious clichés fer a life time," Jack said. "Don't want no help. Just wanna be left alone, and I ain't no lost soul."

"Could'a fooled me," Ennis mumbled.

"That fact is," the doctor said, sitting next to the lab on the exam table, "I do need some help early tomorrow morning. I have feed and supplies coming and need some strong arms to unload and stack them off the truck. If you both give me a hand, we'll call it even. It'll give you a place to stay tonight too."

"That's mighty kind of ya," Ennis said. "But the Sister here needs a ride back."

"Tell you what, you go ahead and take her back. Jack can give me a hand getting this dog of yours settled down. Then I'll show him the lay of the house, and he can get a bath."

"Bath sounds good ta me," Ennis chuckled. "Dog needs one almost as much."

"Think I can make up my own mind. I'm standin' right here in the room ya know."

"No one could miss you," Ennis added, "yer down wind."

"Thank you so much Doctor. I knew this would work for the best," Sister Sarita said, ignoring them.

"You ok with that Jack?" the doc asked.

"I'll stay with the dog, you go on."

The door chime filled the back room with the first two bars of "Beautiful Dreamer." 

"That would be my next patient. Widow Mansfield and her cat. She thinks I'm a lonely old bachelor who needs someone to look after me," he said, winking at Ennis.

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Chapter 7

Ennis squinted his eyes, concentrating on the buzz of highway traffic as he drove back to the mission. The old truck was doing well, considering the miles he put on her. His hands were locked on her wheel. He looked over at the Sister whose hands were laced together, loose and quiet like in her lap. Ennis thought her face was as serene as Mona Lisa's, same wisp of a smile playin' on her lips. 

She was thinking too. Ennis had to admit that her silence weighted on him like a 100 lb. sack-a-oats. Quiet and the Sister were welcome partners, Ennis thought. Usually Ennis embraced long stretches of quiet too-- but now he waited, chewin' his lips, for her to drop the big old sack-a-grain on his back. Her eyes were all far off and intent, thinkin' and thinkin'. 

Ennis knew she was gist waitin' ta drop that big 'ol feed bag so's he would pitch forward from the weight called Jack Twist. Not that he minded the burden. He just didn't know where to carry it now that he was gonna own it. 

He had to admit he had no real plan when since he found out where Jack was. Just knew he had to get to him and quick. Now that he had, Ennis was relieved that the doctor asked them to stay the night and help. He was glad for that yellow dog too, 'cause he didn't know what exactly to do now that he found Jack.

He spent time thinkin' on what to do between waitin' for the Sister to speak. Going back to Brokeback just to talk and git their heads together was Ennis' first thought. Still not a bad idea. Go back to their beginnin's, get life sorted. Thinkin' back made his eyes tear. Never takin' him anywhere near Childress. And he wasn't about to take him to Riverton. He'd knew that this part of Texas was no place for a queer man. Too much bad could happen. Too much bad had already happened. After Brokeback, he knew it had to be somewhere new, somewhere far. 

What worried him most was Jack--being blind and queer left him an easy mark without no protection. He feared there was no place in this big, wide country where  Jack 'd could be kept from harm. Ennis knew his arms couldn't hold him tight enough to keep Jack safe every moment. Needed more than just  his own self to help Jack, and Ennis knew it. Always found it hard ta ask bodies fer help. But this was Jack who needed helpin'--man he cared on more 'n his own livin' and breathin'. 

Then there was Jack's mental state. He was hang dog depressed, no doubt about it. Tore at his heart to see this Jack. Knew it was selfish of him, wishin' for the Jack who jumped and laughed and whooped. 

They weren't far from the mission when Ennis couldn't stand it another bronco breakin' second. Seemed to him that the first person to look toward for a solution was sittin' next to him.

"Okay Sister Sarita, need to know what you're thinkin' on there."

"I'm sure what I have to say isn't anything that you haven't already considered. I've found that sometimes it helps to hear the voice inside your head out loud. Why don't you tell me what those voices have been saying to you, Señor Del Mar?"

Ennis drew his hand from the steering wheel, pinching his nose and took a deep breath. After he covered his mouth, thinkin' on how to explain alls that was in his head. He rubbed the stubble on his shin, lettin' his hand rest there a bit before lookin' over at the Sister. 

"Truth is, I don't know what ta do for Jack besides try and be with him. That's the one thing I never done before--"  Ennis clutched then down shifted for the red light. "Need ta do it now. For me and for Jack."

The truck stopped, idling cantankerous like.

"That's a start. Listening is another part. To me you seem to be a man who listens. Señor Jack needs this. He has said little to anyone. I tried to find him help, but there must be to willingness before it can be received. And to ask for help is harder. You are a man who wishes to rely on no one. You must rely someday. Now might be the time to start."

Ennis nodded. How did the Sister do that? Reading his mind. Damn.

The light changed and Ennis edged his truck along in first gear, jerkin' along in the slow traffic.

"What do you plan to do?" she asked.

"Don't got no plans for that either. Gotta say, I don't like that none. Sticks to me that I can't think of a thing to do. Only place I know of to go for the time bein' is this place where Jack and I know, called Brokeback, Brokeback Mountain."

"This place is out in the wilderness?" she asked.

"Don't know as I'd call it that, bein' that it's like home ta me. Know Jack thinks on it that way. That's one the reason I thought ta go there. Don't know if it's dreamin' ta take him there, blind an' all."

"Before you decided where you are going to go, you need to know how you're going to get there."

"Well," Ennis said, rubbin' his chin, "I was thinkin' on usin' this truck."

"I was speaking in a metaphorical sense."

"Oh," Ennis frowned. "Guess I know what ya mean."

"Have you ever read any poetry? By Robert Frost, perhaps?" 

"Can't say as I have."

"You might want to-- there's a poem by him called 'The Road not Taken.' You should read it. Ask Dr. Remundo, he has a first edition signed by Frost."

Ennis grunted as he parked in front of the mission.

"Don't know as we'll be stayin' 'round long enough to be readin' poetry."

"Take the time to ask him. I think you should ask Dr. Remundo many things Señor Del Mar."

"Yer gettin' at askin' about his daughter. I was thinkin' on that myself. Least wise, you dropped enough hints back at the clinic for a 102-year-old man ta hear."

"Ask about his daughter," she said, opening the truck door. "Listen to Señor Jack, and read the poem. I also suggest you find a way to keep the dog. Have Señor Jack give the lady a name."

"I will Sister. An' thank you, for everthin' ya done for Jack. An' stop callin' me Señor Del Mar-- name's Ennis."

"You are welcome, Ennis. Gracias."

Ennis watched her as she disappeared into the mission. He closed his eyes, then turned around and started back, thinkin' on what that the Sister had said.

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At first Jack was happy Dr. Reymundo was busy with a cat in the next room. Gave him time ta think. Havin' Ennis near was close ta unbearable. Still felt tingly and warm where Ennis touched him. Sad and glad jumbled inside, confusin' Jack. His heart raced, stomach kicked, and face burned. The dog sat with his head it Jack's lap, her eyes figdetin' as she watched him. The corner of Jack's mouth turned up, and he rubbed behind her ears as he began to think on Ennis again. After a few minutes, Jack began to hope that widow would leave and keep Jack from all the thoughts that kept jumpin' into his brain.

He leaned back in the old high back chair he was sittin' in, and the yellow dog put her front legs up on the chair with Jack, restin' her head on her paws and scrunchin' up ta get closer. Jack shook his head, but his mind still kept goin' back. He still loved that hard headed, quiet talkin', steady, grit-of-a-man by the name of Ennis Del Mar. Couldn't send him away-- Ennis was blisterin' under his skin again. No way to ignore. Never, ever get over that man. More painful now, only bein' allowed to see Ennis in his mind's eye. Having one of his blindin' head aches right now didn't help none either.

Couldn't help but let them images wind out like some old-time movie. Way Ennis moved, clean and certain-- way he held his mouth, like he was chewin' each word, Jack thought. The way Ennis tucks in his chin and flicks his eyes after one of my smart ass remarks, like he was tuckin' a part of me to himself. Film a clickin' and a flickin' my insides ta out. All Ennis on them clips a memories with the backdrop called Brokeback.   

Damn Ennis,  he thought, makin' me feel like a bull done kicked me in the head. Ennis always done shit like this, makin' me crazy as get out and as hopped up as a jack rabbit. Don't know where or who I am. Feel like that now. 

The dog crept slow and steady up into his lap, all the while Jack felt dizzier and dizzier. Stomach sick too. Head poundin' fierce.

"Thinkin' yer too big for a lap dog, girl," he groaned then scratched her neck, turning his attention to the other room for distraction. He listened and a quiet voice, probably the widow's, seeped into the room. Couldn't quite make out the words, head pounded so hard his hearing wasn't right. Then the doc'd voice boomed over hers. He made out that just fine.

"Thank you so much for the pie Mrs. Mansfield. It looks delicious. Take good care of Miranda. Watch her tonight and call me if you need to bring her in again tomorrow."

Again the quiet voice. Sounded somethin' like "thank you." A few moments later he hear the doctor's footfalls coming, a dull echo then becomin' clearer, like thunder as he came into the room. Jack smelled blueberries. Must be that pie, Jack thought.

That was the last thing that came to mind before he blacked out.

-------------------

"That you Ennis?" Jack said, moving his head slow toward the sound of soft breathing.

Ennis smiled as the dog licked Jack's face. The doc said she'd been watchin' Jack close.

"How ya feelin'?" Ennis asked.

"Rough." Jack rubbed his temple. "Happens sometimes, never know when. Bad headaches 'n black outs."

"The doc told me as much. Seems the Sister has been talkin' to him about ya fer some time. Pretty much knows yer history."

"She's one of them high-n-mighty-gotta-save-the-world-Christians."

Ennis gave a throaty laugh. "A 'course Jack, she's a nun." 

"Shit, think I'm stupid Ennis? Makes all her hammerin' and helpin' harder ta take. Jist wanna be left alone, is all. Live alone. What I got now that anyone 'd want? Blind fool with not a lick of education. Why'd God go an' leave me this way? My head's  hammerin' like someone's still beatin' on me. God must hate me, and I don't blame him none for that. Hate my own self. Bad husband. Sorry excuse for a father. Blamed you all the time. Truth is, I was always expectin' what was never bein' offered up on the plate. No reason to expect anythin' from you. No reason to expect anythin' from anyone. God's no different. Why you here anyway Ennis? If you think this is some grand payback for walkin' out on the sweet life, fergit it. Nothin' for you here now. No sweet life, never was. Nothin'."

"Ya don't mean that."

"Git outta my face--might not be able to see, but I know you're givin' me with them hang-dog eyes right now."

The dog nudged Jack's cheek with her nose, and he pushed her head back.

"Most you said since I been here," Ennis said. "Sound like yer ol' bitch-of-a-self ta me."

"Fuck off Ennis."

"Don't matter what you say, what you do. Ain't goin' no where."  

Ennis grabbed Jack's hand and squeezed it tight as the yellow dog ignored Jack's rejections and licked his ear.

"Need ta talk Rodeo." Ennis smiled at how the dog nuzzled the back of Jack's neck, and he caved in, strokin' her ear.

"Don't need ta talk," Jack mumbled.

Ennis touched Jack's lips with his fingertips.

"Sh-h-h darlin'. Need you. Need you bad. Half a me's gone when I'm not with you. 'Sides what's this dog gonna dog without ya? Seems she's just as fond 'a ya as I am."

Ennis bent down, brushin' Jack's lips to his, gentle and soft like. Ennis felt the old flutters kindlin' in the pit of his stomach. 

"Never said this before, I need ta--I love ya darlin'. Ain't lettin' ya go."

Jack tangled his fingers in the soft curls that he'd dreamt on night after waking night. He drew Ennis down to his mouth. Ennis knew feeling Jack beneath wasn't talkin', and talkin' did need ta be done. But he ached to feel Jack's stubble burnin' his skin. 

The yellow dog jumped off the bed to give them room. Ennis smiled. Their bodies always spoke in ways their voices could not.

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Chapter 8

Jack woke from his own snoring.  The mattress moved. He remembered just before fallin' asleep Ennis whisperin' the three words that Jack'd been waitin' to here all these long years. 

Took the son-of-a-bitch long enough ta say 'em. 

Couldn't deny that this felt right--Ennis next to him. Jack missed his arms holdin' him. Wished Ennis was holdin' him now and doin' more than holdin'. Jack could feel himself harden thinkin' on him. 

The light from the window warmed his face. This was somethin' he hadn't welcomed in a while.

He knew the dark pit he'd lived in. Was easy to wallow in. Got real easy not ta care. Got so he didn't expect nothin' else. Didn't even know the way out. 

His head still ached but was better. He breathed in and out easy like. No more throbbin'-- just the kind a headache that blurs  thinkin' a bit. Must have snoozed for a while. Still day though. 

Was so easy climbin' into the hole he'd lived in. The first day he'd opened his eyes and saw nothing, he'd closed 'em again and wished...

Wished and wished like he did in his room back home those first years without Ennis--when all's he had was the smell of him on his shirt. He'd opened his eyes again in that hospital and wished more. Wished every day between pain and pain killers, sleep and wakin'. Took a life-time ta stop his wishin' but he did. Rememberin' the beatin' took the wish outta him. Knowin' Ennis was right all them years made all them hopes disappear like mist. 

It hurt knowin' Ennis was right all along. 

Jack thought he'd been careful. He thought he'd been. He'd thought a lot of pie-in-the-sky happy-ever-after shit. 

Now all them wishes were comin' back ta him, and it hurt.

Felt bitter and sweet.

He yawned and reached over to touch Ennis, just to make sure this was all real. 

Jack heard the dog's tail thumpin' on the hardwood floor next to the bed and sighed.

"How ya feelin'?" Ennis whispered.

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Jack's pupils dilated as he turned his head to look at Ennis. The way Jack looked at him, Ennis could swear Jack could still see. 

"Felt better," Jack groaned, "but I've felt a hell of a lot worse. How's the dog?"

The late afternoon sun came through the window, makin' Jack's scruffy face darker, and the smile lines 'round his eyes deeper.

Voice sounded like Jack's but had a quiet hitch in it. The Jack he'd known wasn't like this. The Jack he knew was rowdy and resilient. This Jack was quiet and hesitant. This Jack was thin, so thin--and them scars-- made Ennis cry ta see 'em. Ennis was almost grateful Jack couldn't see the horror and anger he felt earlier when he looked on Jack's chest and arms. 

Ennis looked over the side of the bed. The dog's big brown eyes looked hopefully up at him. 

"She looks fine," Ennis said. "And still smells as awful as you."

Ennis traced his fingers across a scar on Jack's brow, and Jack turned into his hand. Good sign, Ennis thought. 

Some things hadn't changed. The way Jack called his name-- the way Jack tasted. Ennis wanted Jack completely, but he knew he had to take it slow. The man next to him was both scarred and scared. 

"I think she wants up on the bed," Ennis said.

"If you can stand my smell this long, guess ya can stand hers." Jack propped his head up and leaned across Ennis. "Here girl..." he said, pattin' the bed.

"Think she's sweet on ya," Ennis said-- the dog hitting him full force.

"Think?" Jack closed his eyes and let the dog lick his face.

"Yep, also think ya should be callin' her somethin' other than girl or lady or dog."

"Mean name her?"

"Yeah name her."

"That'd mean keepin' her. Don't know 'bout that Ennis."

"I don't think we got a choice-- she pretty much decided on keepin' us."

Ennis felt warm seeing Jack's croaked smile. The dog pushed herself snug between them. 

Bein' with Jack brought back what it was, and what it wasn't. Ennis knew there was plenty needed sayin'.

"I found them, ya know," Ennis said.

"Found what?"

"Them shirts. I got 'em with me. Found 'em where you left 'em."

"Our shirts?" 

Ennis nodded, felt warm inside, seein' the blush the crept up Jack's neck with the mention of them. "When I went ta talk to yer ma and dad, I found em."

"Ya went there?"

"Yep, was real hard." 

"God Ennis..." 

"Right about yer dad-- a real asshole."

"You went there 'n saw  'em? Shit, when'd ya do this?"

"Not long after I got yer letter returned I called Lureen, and she told me."

"What'd ya think of my ma?"

"Liked her a lot. Let me go ta yer room. Gave me 'em." Ennis watched Jack's face careful. "Yer ma misses ya awful-- hard on her thinkin' yer dead."

"Think I don't know that? Thought on that a lot. But ya met her, she'd wanna take care a me-- she don't need that-- takin' care of my old man is enough of a burden on her. Me? Shit. She already gave her life over ta my old man. Only kinda good life she ever gonna see is when he's gone. Son-of -a-bitch is too stubborn ta die. Love my ma enough ta stay outta her life. I sure as shit don't need to be 'round makin' life harder on her than she already got it."

"I tell you what hard is. Hard is havin' you dead. Ain't right lettin' people think yer dead. Think she should know. She needs ta know."

Jack stared up at the ceiling.

"Besides," Ennis said, "she ain't got ta take care a you. You got me."

"I got you? Hell Ennis, what's that supposed ta mean? I got you. Shit."

"Think now's a good time for that talk."

"I thought that's what we were doin'."

"I mean 'bout you, 'bout me, 'bout us."

"Us. Me. There ain't a me anymore Ennis. Not the me ya knew. I can tell ya already know that. Think takin' care of me for the rest of my life is what I want? It ain't."

"Never said I was gonna take care of ya, said I was gonna be with ya."

"Be with me. Take care a me. Both the same."

"Not the same-- 'sides, you'll be takin' care a me too."

"Shit Ennis, I don't have no say in this do I? Don't matter what I ever say to ya-- it's always Ennis' way."

"It's different this time."

"Don't seem that way to me. Always gotta be Ennis' way. That's it. No discussion."

"We are discussin'."

"We ain't discussin' nothing. Yer tellin' how it's gonna be and expect me ta just go along."

"Maybe so. Maybe somebody needs ta tell you how it's gonna be right now. 'Sides, this time ain't the same. This time I ain't walkin' away. You're right, I know you're different. But so am I  Jack. We both ain't the same. I know you been through hell, but so have I. I've been blind too-- only in other ways. Sorry if that hurts just that, shit, I can't explain my own self."

"You don't have no idea Ennis. No idea at all. I'm blind. It ain't goin' away."

Ennis nudged the dog off the bed and hugged Jack tight. Was nice ta feel Jack holdin' him just as tight back.

"Yer eyes though," Ennis said. "Yer pupils are gettin' wide again. That ain't normal is it?"

"The doctors said I got cortical blindness from gettin' smashed in the back of my head. My pupils dilate, but there's nothin' home in that part of my brain ta read the message."

"So's there's nothing ta be done?"

"I'm blind. Ya don't get it do ya."

"Just looks like you can see, the way yer eyes follow me."

"Just following yer voice. Doctors say that's normal. Shit you think I don't want ta wake and be able ta see. Sometimes I think I see things movin', but I ain't sure if it's real or not."

"How ya feelin' now?"

"Still gotta headache. Feels good though, you rubbin' my back. Makes me wanna have you rub other things."

"Thought I already took care of that."

"Never ever enough. Should get clean though, I suppose."

 "Hate ta git up, too." Ennis said. "But we should be gettin' up and seein' the doc 'specially after he's kind enough ta let us stay. Maybe figure out something to eat."

"Well, I know he has pie."

"That so?"

"Yep." Ennis nudged Jack's arm. "I'll stay in here fer now, finish gettin' rid of this headache then clean up."

"Think eatin' might help. Don't look like you've been doin' enough of that."

The dog ran to the door. They both looked over, hearing a quiet knock.

"Yeah?" Ennis said, sittin' up.

"You boys hungry?" the doc said. "I have supper almost ready."

"Damn Ennis, you and yer extra-sensory pree-ception."

Ennis slapped Jack's ass.

"That's per-ception," Ennis said. "And I smelled the chili."

"You two coming?" the doc asked.

"Right there!" Ennis said, dragging Jack out of the bed. "Think Jack'll have time for a shower? Don't want ta spoil yer appetite none."

-----------------------------------

Jack did feel better after getting cleaned up and eating. Sitting in the doc's kitchen, listening to the doc and Ennis talk while the dog begged for scraps of buttered tortillas made him feel alive again. The pie didn't hurt either. For the first time in months he could taste somethin'. Even the conversation between them wasn't the jumbled mass o' words that it had been. He held on to every syllable like it'd be the last he'd ever hear. Was so warm feelin' Ennis' slow, quiet voice. His words tasted better 'n the blueberry pie.

For the first time in awhile wakin' was real. Since this happened to him, Jack would have dreams. He'd see in them. Waking became the bad dream and night became a place between heaven and hell. Here in this kitchen he felt like for the first time life he wasn't in purgatory. 

As the dog's rough tongue licked his fingers, Jack chuckled. Ennis and the doc, stopped talking.

"Think I'll name her Nina," Jack said.

"That's a good name," Ennis nodded.

--------------------------

Chapter 9

Ennis liked the doc. He had those weathered, slow, deliberate hands he trusted. Kind a hands like his own. Bet he could quiet a spooked horse with 'em. Didn't hurt that the man talked and breathed animals, 'specially horses. Told a mighty fine story of one special horse he had. Could see the love in his eyes for his old mare, Dahlia. 

Down-to-earth laugh too. Made Ennis feel welcome, no judgin' in his eyes either. Worried about that some at first, 'specially after he and Jack spent that time alone in the bedroom. Doc had to know somethin' was up way he knocked tentative-like at the door. Hard to hide how Ennis felt about Jack--that's why he'd always worried so damn much about bein' in public with him. Couldn't help feelin' like the earth would open up when Jack smiled at him. 

Best part was havin' Jack listen to the doc and Ennis. Even nicer hearin' Jack say he was gonna name the yellow dog Nina. Liked that name. Seemed fittin'.

Right now Jack's face was relaxed: his jaw loose, brows lazy, mouth movin' with thoughts behind it. He was listenin' and thinkin'. Ennis leaned back in the old oak chair and fiddled with the edge of the red and white checkered table cloth.

Yes, it felt easy talkin' to the doc. Liked ta stay and shoot the shit, but it seemed they were talkin' on everything except what was most on their minds. Didn't know how to do that without upsettin' Jack's good mood. 

Ennis scratched his chin. Then Ennis remembered.

"Sister Sarita was tellin' me about this poem by a fellow by the name of Frost. Said you had a signed copy with that poem in it, was called 'Road not Taken'--said I ought'ta read it." 

"That so?" the doc said. "Well, if that's what the Sister suggested, I better not question her," the doc said, gettin' up. "She can be a stubborn woman-- pays not to ignore her, ever. I listen well. In my best interest after all-- I get half of my business from her. I'd be half starved by now if it wasn't for her."

"I kin' see that stubbornness in her, and I've only met her just today," Ennis said, noticing how Jack was lookin' at him.

"You ain't heard nothin'," Jack said. "Women's got the wrath of God in her words. Makes me quake ta hear 'em sometimes."

"From what she told me, you don't pay much attention to what she says," the doc said.

"Can't help but pay attention with her right smack-dab in my face." Nina took Jack's wavin' as a invite to jump up on his lap. 

The doc laughed. Ennis was realizin' more and more just how wise the Sister was. Lookin' at Jack with that dog was like lookin' back in time-- color was back in Jack's face. Nina poured over his lap, head lollin' over one thigh, hind legs danglin' over the other, tail waggin' faster n' faster.

"The Sister can be very intimidating to some," the Doc said. "She is an acquired taste."

"Yeah, like wine," Jack nodded, dog squirmin' to get more comfortable. Looked to Ennis like that was a near impossible task.

"By the way," the doc added, "do either of you like wine?"

Ennis raised a brow.

"I'm more of a cold beer man,"  Ennis said. "But have had some good wine just recently at Junior's wedding."

"Junior's married?" Jack asked.

"Yep. Was quiet the affair. Everyone buzzin' around her like bees."

"What about you Jack? You like wine?"

"It's alright. If I'm gonna have a drink, I prefer whiskey." 

Ennis smiled to himself, remembering all the sips they'd shared. 

"I'll go get that book and bring back a bottle of something from the cellar for you both to try."

Ennis watched the doc leave then reached over and gave the dog a pat on the head. 

"Nina fits her," Ennis said.

"Thought so too."

"Doc's a good man."

"Yep, agree with ya there."

"Look like yer feelin' better."

"I am."

"Not used to you not sayin' much."

"Not used to you sayin' so much."

"Like ta say a lot more."

"Like what?"

"Like... " Ennis searched for somethin', but all he could think of were things like: Where we gonna go? What we gonna do? How we gonna live? --all stuff he didn't want Jack frettin' on right now. "Well, shit..." 

"Well shit? That's real deep there Ennis."

"Never very good at words."

"Yeah, got other things that  yer real good at."

"Hush up 'bout that-- Doc might hear."

Jack gave Ennis a lopsided grin. "Why? Plan on gettin' me drunk and takin' advantage?"

"Didn't think I needed a plan ta do that."

"Out'ta luck for now," Jack said. "The point of drinkin' wine isn't ta get shit faced."

"Drinking wine. Shit. Look at us eatin' off bald-face dishes with polished silverware and fancy napkins in our laps, next thing ya know we're gonna be dancin' in some ritzy drawin' room to the Blue Dabloon."

"Ennis, I think ya mean Blue Danube." 

"I knew that--just funnin'." 

"M-mm."

Both sat quiet, Nina's tail swatted the table leg in three-four time. 

"Ya know how ta waltze?" Ennis asked. 

"Lureen made me take dancin' lessons. Thought my dancin' was good enough, but she wanted me ta learn the right steps so she could act all la-de-da with her hoity-toity, big-bankbook friends."

"Don't sound like you enjoyed it much."

"Hated goin' to those benefits where LD i'd make fun a me in front of half of Texas-- not that I cared what he or any of them thought, jist hated it. Don't matter if ya like the people yer 'round or not--sometimes it's worse bein' made a fool in front of people ya hate then made fun of in front of people ya love. People ya love know better."

"That's true," Ennis felt his voice get thick.

"Damn right it is."

 "Just so you know, I never thought you were a fool. Sorry I ever made ya think as much." Ennis put his hand over the top of Jack's, then spoke low and heavy, "And I hope ya still don't think that."

"I never wanted to think that, friend. But were right, 'bout a lot. As for bein' a fool--I am--fool for you, anyhow."

Ennis looked up, hearing the doc.

"Took me a bit to find the book. This Cabernet Sauvigon was easier to find. Good California wine," he said, blowing dust off the bottle and setting on the table. "Here's the book. I'll get some glasses."

Ennis took the book and looked at the cover, turning it around to look at the spine, then over again. He moved his thumb across the simple worn blue cover and along the gold embossed title, feelin' each letter spelling out the book's title, Mountain Interval. Reminded him of other mountain intervals. Time stolen. He carefully opened the book and saw words penned by the author on the inside cover. 

"He signed it in '62," the doc said, pointing to the words. "Died a few months later."

 The pages were yellowed, but still pliant. Still, Ennis took care in turning them and read the contents, lips movin' to the words. 

Ennis heard the glasses clinkin' as the Doc poured the wine. He saw the poem's title-- the first selection in the book. 

Heard Jack take a sip and say, "This is good."

Heard Jack hiccup.

Heard Nina jump off Jack's lap.

Then, Ennis turned the page and read to himself. 

Silly, Ennis thought. A poem makin' a grown man cry. 

Eyes misted up, sniffin'. Never read anything like it.

 It's beautiful. Ah, shit. 

Choked him up awful. Jack sat there. Ennis could hear Jack's brain a' tickin' away without lookin' over ta see him just waitin' for Ennis to say somethin'-- instead Ennis moved around in the chair, makin' it creak. The doc stood in front of him, holdin' his glass.

Ennis looked up from the poem as the doc set Ennis' glass on wine in front of him on the table.

"Don't supposed you'd like to read it to us--" the doc said, "after all, poems are meant for reciting."

"Don't know if I can." Ennis muttered. 

Can't do this. Ennis thought. Can't say the words aloud without them both knowin'.

"Ennis, read the damn poem," Jack said. 

Ennis cleared his throat. Jack's mood was changing fast. Better read. "'Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,/And sorry I could not travel both/And be one traveler, long I stood/And looked down one as far as I could/To where it bent in the undergrowth.'"

"See Ennis-- it ain't that hard."

"Shut up and let me finish..." Ennis focused on the page. 

Just the words, just the words. Only words, that's all. Ennis sat up straighter and continued. 

"'Then took the other, as just as fair,/And having perhaps the better claim,/Because it was grassy and wanted wear;/Though as for that the passing there/Had worn them really about the same,/And both that morning equally lay/In leaves no step had trodden black."

Ennis stopped and tried to wiped his eyes without looking obvious. Knew they weren't just words-- they were the way it could a been, way it should a been, maybe the way it still could be.

"'Oh, I kept the first for another day./Yet knowing how way leads on to way,/I doubted if I should ever come back...'" 

Not worryin' anymore about how he sounded, Ennis let the words wash through him, and let himself feel the choice. "'I shall be telling this with a sigh/Somewhere ages and ages hence:/Two roads diverged in a wood, and I./I took the one less traveled by,/And that has made all the difference.'"

The kitchen was quiet except for Nina's tail keeping time. 

Jack sniffed. "Ennis, ya should'a been a school teacher."

---------------------------------

Chapter 10

Jack scraped his plate, then licked the last crumbs from his blueberry pie off his fork. Ennis was tellin' the doctor about an old stubborn mare he'd had when he was a kid, and how he'd spent more time one summer landin' on the ground 'n gettin' a sore ass than actually ridin'. Ennis smiled tellin' them how the mare would nicker after throwin' him then kick her heals up in glee. Ennis said he learned ten new cuss words that summer because of that ol' mare. The doctor and Jack both laughed between bites of pie. Then the doctor began another story after filling their coffee cups and giving them each seconds of that pie. Nina sat on the floor at Jack's feet,  her tail whooshing so much Jack figured knew it was polishin' the tile.

Jack listened. He done a shit load of hearin' in the past months but not much listenin'. Each story Ennis uttered brought a part of Jack outside himself-- clumped in oh-so-familiar, perfect bites of sweetness. Each word Ennis said filled in a space--strung out in his low, familiar drawl, chewin' on each thought like the smooth berries. Jack listened with a stirring in his gut, feelin' nourished and satiated for the first time in a long while. And truth was it fuckin' scared him too. He'd been in this space before, heapin' hope upon hope with them soothin' sounds like whipped cream. Where'd it get him?

Still he couldn't stop listenin', couldn't help himself from hoping. Hadn't had much of that. Hadn't let himself think on Ennis, pushin' him in that hole in his chest. Still he could never leave those thoughts; his nights filled with Ennis. Now he was here next to him eatin' and talkin' and jokin'. Was like Jack was dreamin' again. Had that old ache for him too. Not sex, somethin' more intimate, more personal. That longin' in the pit of him that only Ennis filled.

Dr. Reymundo yawned, and Ennis patted Jack's thigh, givin' Jack that other familiar ache, exceptin' there was no way to get that ache taken care of tonight. Jack was all mixed up--made his self-preservation take hold again so that Jack was only hearin' noises: An old clock tic-toc-in' in the other room; the doc tellin' them he'd get 'em up in the morning;  Nina's toe nails clickin' on the tile floor. 

Then Ennis bent in close ta him. Every light puff of breath, every hesitation between the words, "Let-- me-- help-- ya," became the secret of life. 

Jack was listenin' again. 

He swallowed. They both stood. Was that him shakin' or Ennis? Damn, he couldn't tell. Jack nodded and let Ennis guide him just so Jack could feel those thick hands in his.

 Didn't feel like help to Jack, felt like comfort. 

Nina padded behind them while Ennis lead Jack into the room. The springs squeaked as Nina jumped on the mattress.

"I'll be fine," Jack said. "I can get undressed myself." 

"Know ya can." 

But Ennis didn't leave.

Jack waited. He still didn't hear Ennis leave. Unbuttoned his flannel shirt and shed it. 

Jack scratched his chin then sighed, gettin' tired of waitin'. The sorry son-of-a-bitch wants me, just won't say it.  

Didn't think the shirt was worth keepin', but Jack folded it anyway. Habit. Just like the habit of stripping off his old leather belt in one quick snap. Started to pull off his undershirt when Ennis cleared his throat, and Nina took the gesture as meain', 'Come here doggy, doggy.'  She jumped off the bed, smack into Jack, knockin' the wind out of him. Ennis jumped to his side, steadin' him. 

Jack felt bitter resentment rise up in the back of his throat. He pushed Ennis hard enough ta make him stumble back. 

"Don't need yer help," he said, taking off his t-shirt. "I can do it myself. I ain't no invalid."

Nina nipped at the legs of his jeans, pullin' Jack toward the bed. 

"See, I got plenty of help-- you can go." Jack flopped his ass down on the mattress and began pullin' off his boots with Nina yankin' at his socks. Jack felt guilt creep into him as he heard Ennis take another step away toward the door. Why I gotta go and act like that? Shit. Ennis was just tryin' to help.

Ennis stepped toward the door again. Jack felt his heart hammerin',  Don't leave, Ennis, don't leave.

"I thought we should talk some more," Ennis said finally. 

Jack knew Ennis better 'n Ennis knew himself.

Ennis inched closer. Shit, he knew Ennis was lookin' Jack up and down--felt those fawn eyes on him. How could a look that innocent burn like that?

"Talk? That what yer callin' it now?" Jack asked, feeling his blood heat his face then rush down his neck.

Stubborn ass. Just say ya want me.

Then Jack spoke-- the words comin' out in fits, "Ennis pl-e-ase..."

"Quiet Jack," Ennis whispered. "Doc 'll hear ya."

Jack panicked hearin' Ennis move away from him. Sweet relief washed over him as the door latch clicked. 

"Mm, so that is what ya got in mind." Jack slid his jeans over his hipbones, kicking them off. 

Jack hated this most, waitin' and wonderin' what was happenin'.  His stomach did flips. He recalled fellin' these same jittery spasms before a tough bull ride, waitin' in the chute. Jack flinched as Ennis brushed past him. Heard the rustle of denim as Ennis picked up Jack's old jeans off the floor. 

"I've been lyin' fallow fer so long--" Ennis said, "need ya bad."

Jack heard the flap and scratch of his own jeans bein' folded and set down next to the bed then that same flap and scratch of Ennis' jeans coming off. 

"Right romantic way ta be puttin' it there Ennis. Makes me want ta--" Jack found his words cut off from the insistent pressure of Ennis' mouth, crushing Jack's lips then openin' in a rush. Ennis turned Jack roughly. Jack followed,lettin' his body do what it wanted. He squirmed against Ennis, lovin' the feel of the hard chest and muscled forearms holdin' him tight. Jack gasped as Ennis thrust his hips into Jack's backside. Ennis groaned. Jack relished the hot breath damping his neck as that perfect rock hard cock tried to find its way inside him. Damn underwear. Needed to get it out of the way.

Just then Ennis stepped back. Jack missed the heat and pull of his body. A liquid rush filled him as Ennis' hand tugged Jack's old underwear down over the points of his hips, slapping his oh-so-hard cock into his tummy after catchin' on his briefs. Ennis stopped and stood quiet. Jack waited, worrying how he looked now that he was beaten and thin. But Ennis stepped back into his space, and Jack felt no hesitation in Ennis' hands or lips. Jack relaxed as familiar wide fingers found their way into his hair then wrapped him up inside those thick biceps Jack knew better than breathing.

Ennis pushed him down; Jack bounced back flat onto the bed with Ennis falling on top of him, fitting all his sharp, pointed edges. He found Jack's mouth again, explorin' all the corners he'd missed so much. Then Ennis gripped both of Jack's shoulders, pushed up then looked down into Jack's face. Jack didn't need no eyes-- he felt the heat in Ennis' stare. Made Jack feel bashful havin' him bowed over him quiet-like, studin' him like he was some masterpiece. The bed springs groaned. Slowly, Ennis touched his face. Finger movin' across his brow, trailin' down his jaw, then touchin' his lips like a feather. No man or woman Jack had ever known had this soft a touch. But Jack also liked the feel of Ennis' rough hands movin' along the ridges of his spine. He wanted that now too. He wanted it all.

Ennis sensed it, lining up his cock against Jack's and startin' a steady grind, arms grasping around Jack's back. 

Jack gave into the pleasure and pain of it all--their hearts rubbed together raw. With every slide and push, their cocks became more desperate. 

"I want ya inside me Ennis," was all he needed ta say. Spit was all they had, just like on Brokeback. Face to face. His cock poked inside with one sharp straight thrust. Jack welcomed the pain. Jack's chest became tight. Wind escaped from his nostrils in righteous pleasure, and his mouth clamped shut on Ennis' shoulder to keep from cryin' out. His mind rolled with the enormity of the moment--that Ennis was here with him, that they might actually have a life together. Ennis slowed, savoring the tightness of Jack around him. 

Jack didn't need ta see. His hands saw for him, fingers watching the rise and fall of Ennis' chest. He knows it's coming. Sees it in his mind's eye. 

Jack's hand tips up, begging for more. Ennis shifts his thrusts, moving to that spot that makes Jack whimper into Ennis' shoulder. They both go to that place they long for and yet are most afraid of. Jack hiccups back a cry as he comes. Ennis does not hold back and sobs into Jack's dark hair.